+ 599 Funny Relationship Quotes That Will Make You Laugh

Funny situations occur when you have complicated relationships. Look around you, and you’ll see that chaotic relationships sometimes lead to amusing situations. Movies are made about relationships gone bad or just beginning. When you go to a party, you can observe couples and tell which couple had a fight before coming to the party and which one will have a fight after the party.

When relationships go sour, it helps to look at the funny side. Instead of being anxious about your love life, make a joke about it and move on. If you have been through heartbreak, laugh at your mistake. The quicker you bounce back, the easier you are able to move on and develop new relationships. Here are Funny Relationship Quotes that will put a smile on your face the next time you are feeling down over your relationship.

Witty quotes about Relationships

Witty quotes about Relationships

1. My Life Is Like A Romantic Comedy Except There’S No Romance And It’S Just Me Laughing At My Own Jokes.

2. Relationships Start With “Can We Talk?” And End In “We Need To Talk”

3. The Key To A Successful Relationship Is To Clear Your Internet History.

4. You Want To Be A Part Of My Life, The Door Is Always Open. You Want To Leave My Life, The Door Is Open. But Don’T Stand At The Door, You’Re Blocking The Traffic.

5. When Your Ex Says: “You’Ll Never Find Anyone Like Me” Reply With: “That’S The Point”.

6. Face Book Should Have A Limit On How Many Times You Can Change Your Relationship Status. After 3 It Should Default To “Unstable”.

7. I Love My Relationship With My Bed. No Commitment Needed. We Just Sleep Together Every Night.

8. The World Has Grown Suspicious Of Anything That Looks Like A Happily Married Life.

9. No, I Am Not Single. I Am In A Long Distance Relationship. Because My Girlfriend Lives In The Future.

10. Dear Heart, Please Stop Getting Involved In Everything. Your Job Is To Pump Blood. That’S It.

11. Being In A Relationship Is A Full Time Job, So Don’T Apply If You’Re Not Ready.

12. A Relationship Without Trust Is Like A Car Without Gas You Can Stay In It All You Want, But It Won’T Go Anywhere.

13. When A Girl Says “Do Whatever You Want”. Do Not Do Whatever You Want.

14. Marriage Has No Guarantees. If That’S What You’Re Looking For, Go Live With A Car Battery.

15. Date Someone Who Gives You The Same Feeling Of When You See Your Food Coming At A Restaurant.

16. Everybody Has A Girlfriend And Boyfriend, I’M Just Over Here Like “I Love Food”

17. I Just Added Another One To The “What The Hell Was I Thinking” List.

18. A Boy Makes His Girl Jealous Of Other Women. A Gentleman Makes Other Women Jealous Of His Girl.

19. It’S Funny How We Fall In Love With The Most Unexpected Person At The Most Unexpected Time.

20. There Actually Is An “End” In Friendship.

21. The Beauty Of Life Does Not Depend On How Happy You Are, But How Happy Others Can Be Because Of You.

22. I’Ll Look Back On This And Smile Because It Was Life And I Decided To Live It.

23. Being Single Is Smarter Than Being In The Wrong Relationship.

24. “What Is The Difference? “I Asked Him. “Between The Love Of Your Life, And Your Soul Mate?” “One Is A Choice, And One Is Not”.

25. In A Relationship One Person Is Always Right And The Other Person Is Male.

Funny Relationship Quotes

Funny Relationship Quotes

1. My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan. – Leopold Fetchner

2. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. – Jackie Mason

3. Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings. – David Sedaris

4. Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. – Phyllis Diller

5. Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. – Erma Bombeck

6. Love is sharing your popcorn. – Charles Schultz

7. Romance is the icing, but love is the cake.

8. Where love is the case, the doctor is an ass. – English Proverb

9. Love is the same as like except you feel sexier. – Judith Viorst

10. I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. – Chico Marx

11. My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. – Joan Rivers

12. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

13. A kiss without a mustache is like an egg without salt. – Spanish Proverb

14. He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle. – Ring Lardner

15. Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else. – Jean Kerr

16. Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. – Fran Lebowitz

17. Don’t make love by the garden gate, love is blind but the neighbors ain’t.

18. Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it. – Phyllis Schlafly

19. Love is telling someone that his zipper is open or her wig looks too fake.

20. What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. – Cindy Garner

21. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. – Jackie Mason

22. According to Newton’s Law of love, love can neither be created nor destroyed. However, it can create a girlfriend who can destroy wallets.

23. If love is a blunder, then it means that the biggest fault in my life is loving you.

24. Will you lend me a kiss? I promise to give it back.

25. My head and my heart will never cease their endless war. When my head says ‘I don’t care, my heart says ‘I do care’. When my head says ‘I’m not thinking about her, my heart says ‘of course you do.

Relationship Quotes to Juice Your Love Life

Relationship Quotes to Juice Your Love Life

1. The four most important words in any marriage. I’ll do the dishes.

2. All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. – Charles M. Schulz

3. Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery. – Fulton J. Sheen

4. If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love. – Miles Davis

5. My mind works great wonder 365 days a year, 7 days a week and 24 hours a day until I met you.

6. Don’t feel bad if you see your ex with someone else. Remember, our parents taught us to give the things we don’t need to the less fortunate.

7. I want to be the reason when you look down on your phone, you’ll have this goofy smile in your face and jump up and down like a silly little girl, and then fall down a manhole.

8. During my days, the teenagers talk about movies, music and love. Now, all the kids talk about are sex, relationship and heartbreak.

9. Love is like a headache or a backache. It does not show in the MRI or X-ray, but you just know that it’s there.

10. Staying in love for more than 5 years is almost impossible. Staying in love with the same person for you’re the rest of your life is a miracle.

11. Marriage does not only require you to deal with expenses and the toilet seat, you also have to deal with feelings and the last resort, the lawyers.

12. Promise yourself not to be a woman who needs a man to live, but a woman a man needs.

13. You will always be my 11:11 and the name I write in my naughty list.

14. Girls cry their eyes out until they are dry, while boys drink their beers until their mugs are all dried up.

15. I wish there’s a traffic light to tell me when to stop, go and slow down when I took this road of falling in love.

16. I want to be your sweet good morning, your lovely good night and your most painful goodbye.

17. Stop waiting for your prince in a white horse. Go and find him. The poor bastard might be lost, stuck in an island or something.

18. To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful.

19. Love with old men is as the sun upon the snow, it dazzles more than it warms. – J. P. Senn

20. My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor. – Elayne Boosler

21. When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life. – Richard Lewis

Humor Relationships Quotes

Humor Relationships Quotes

1. Linda Festa: “The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them be good at taking orders.”

2. Erma Bombeck: “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.”

3. Frederick Ryder: “When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.”

4. Sarah Dessen: “Relationships don’t always make sense. Especially from the outside.”

5. Jonathan Carroll: “You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip.”

6. Samuel Goldwyn: “A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.”

7. Mark Twain: “What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.”

8. Bobby Kelton: “The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play softball on the weekends.”

9. Agatha Christie: “An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”

10. Glenn Beck: “Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one.”

11. Benjamin Franklin: “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterward.”

12. Laurence J. Peter: “It’s better to have loved and lost than to do 40 pounds of laundry a week.”

13. Henry Youngman: “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take the time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays; I go Fridays.”

14. Ronnie Shakes: “Relationships give us a reason to live. Revenge.”

15. Rita Rudner: “When I want to end a relationship I just say, “You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.”

16. Brendan Francis: “A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.”

17. Jim Bishop: “Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”

18. Albert Einstein: “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”

19. Jacqueline Bisset: “Ideally, couples need three lives: one for him, one for her and one for them together.”

Funny Relationship Quotes for Him

Funny Relationship Quotes for Him

1. Women hope men will change after marriage, but they don’t; men hope women won’t change, but they do. – Bettina Arndt

2. True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. – Erich Segal

3. You add meaning to my life and yet, you subtract some cash from my wallet.

4. You’re just like bacon, beer and chocolate – you make everything better.

5. Loss for words? Give that person a hug. It’s worth a thousand and more. Plus, it’s free.

6. You’re the cheese on top of my spaghetti, the cream on top of my frappuccino and the cheesecake on my red velvet cake.

7. You are the cause why my eyeglasses fog.

8. A person in love partly becomes a poet, a composer and the corniest person in the room.

9. I want someone who will pause his game just to answer my call.

10. You’ll know a person is in love when he can laugh like a fool by himself and keeps a goofy smile plastered on his face all day long.

11. Love is a two-way street constantly under construction. – Carroll Bryant

12. A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

13. Love is the only kind of fire which is never covered by insurance.

14. I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it? – Jean Illsley Clarke

15. An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie

16. True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen. – Francois de la Rochefoucauld

17. Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. – Pauline Thomason

18. Love doesn’t drop on you unexpectedly; you have to give off signals, sort of like an amateur radio operator. – Helen Gurley Brown

19. I had a dream that i still loved you. I think I woke up screaming. – Christine

20. Love is fun but, it is not going to pay the bills. – Jessica Martin

81. It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes. – Lucille Ball

Funny Relationship Quotes for Her

Funny Relationship Quotes for Her

1. It wasn’t love at first sight. It took a full five minutes. – Lucille Ball

2. I love you so much I’d fight a bear for you. Well not a grizzly bear because they have claws, and not a panda bear because they know Kung Fu. But a care bear, I’d definitely fight a care bear for you.

3. A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears. – Les Dawson

4. People should fall in love with their eyes closed. – Andy Warhol

5. If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back. – Chelsea Peretti

6. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. – Will Ferrell

7. I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough. – Russell Brand

8. I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner

9. If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back. – Chelsea Peretti

10. Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing. – Natasha Leggero

11. I’m now making a Jewish porno film. Ten percent sex, 90 percent guilt. – Henny Youngman

12. My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me. – Garry Shandling

13. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in. – Richard Jeni

14. If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? – Lily Tomlin

15. Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner. – Jerry Seinfeld

16. My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. – Joan Rivers

17. Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. – Chelsea Handler

18. Love is a lot like a backache: it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there. – George Burns

19. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

20. Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. – Woody Allena

Funny Best Relationship Quotes

Funny Best Relationship Quotes

1. If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something. – Fran Lebowitz

2. Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers. – Richard Pryor

3. There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. – Chris Rock

4. My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light. – Rodney Dangerfield

5. I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself. – Johnny Carson

6. My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor. – Elayne Boosler

7. My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning. – Ray Romano

8. I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early. – Jack Benny

9. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

10. Women love a self-confident bald man. – Larry David

11. Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. – Billy Crystal

12. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. – Steven Wright

13. My phone battery lasts longer than most of my relationships nowadays.

14. If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards. – J.A. Redmerski

15. Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell. – Joan Crawford

16. My last love is just like that thong peter griffin borrowed from me… Never getting it back. – Refinnej Sin

17. You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale. – Hussein Nishah

18. In any perfect relationship men should remember it’s a matter of direction; she takes what’s right and you take what’s left. – Solitaire Parke

19. Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore. – Bree Luckey

20. My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met. – Rodney D

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