+ 599 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be True

There are few things more monumental in life than your wedding day, but as these Funny Marriage Quotes might suggest, there are also few things sillier than marriage. Because, let’s be real, a happy marriage is usually far from perfect, and married life (hello, spending every waking minute with the same person and somehow still loving them!) is often riddled with hilarious moments.

Funny Love and Marriage Quotes

Funny Love and Marriage Quotes

1. “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” Emma Bombeck

2. “My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.” Jack Benny

3. “Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” Anonymous

4. “I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” Rita Rudner

5. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” Prince Phillip

6. “If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” Miles Davis

7. “A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.” Anonymous

8. “My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” Henry Youngman

9. “Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” George Burns

10. “We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” Henry Youngman

11. “A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” Tim Allen

12. “Some mornings I wake up grumpy. And some mornings I just let him sleep.” Anonymous

13. “I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” Wendy Liebman

14. “What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” Cindy Garner

15. “An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband.” Booth Tarkington

16. “Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” Phyllis Diller

17. “The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” Rick Reilly

18. “Don’t make love by the garden gate, love is blind but the neighbours ain’t.” Anonymous

19. “Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.” Joginder Singh

20. “Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park.” Anonymous

Funny Marriage Sayings and Quotes

Funny Marriage Sayings and Quotes

1. “One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’” — Michelle Obama

2. “Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.” — Stephanie Ortiz

3. “Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” — H. Jackson Brown, Jr

4. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner

5. “You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!” — Bill Maher

6. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” — Benjamin Franklin

7. “Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature.” — Donatella in Letters to Juliet

8. “I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” – Elizabeth Taylor

9. “Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you.” — Chip Gaines

10. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”— Prince Phillip

11. “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell

12. “Marriage is like a tense, unfunny, version of ‘Everybody Loves Raymond.’ Only it doesn’t last twenty-two minutes. It lasts forever.” — Pete in Knocked Up

13. “A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.” — Dax Shepard
14. “Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.” — Megan Mullally

15. “People say, ‘Jeez, it must be hard to stay married in show business.’ I think it’s hard to stay married anywhere, but if you marry the right person, it might work out.” —Tom Hanks

16. “Make sure you have date night even if it’s once in a blue moon because most of the time you’re just too tired and you’d actually prefer to sleep.” — Chris Hemsworth

17. “I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.” — Cameron Esposito

18. “I don’t want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting, or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of ‘The Bachelorette’ together in secret shame, or that one got the other hooked on ‘Breaking Bad’ and if either watches it without the other, they’re dead meat.” ― Mindy Kaling

19. “Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up, she’s there. You come back from work, she’s there. You fall asleep, she’s there. You eat dinner, she’s there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing, but it’s not.” — Ray Barone

Funny Marriage Quotes for Newlyweds

Funny Marriage Quotes for Newlyweds

1. “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman

2. “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” —Cher

3. “Love is one long sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock!” — Zeenat Essa

4. “In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland

5. “Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” — Zig Ziglar TC mark

6. “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell

7. “The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’” — Anonymous

8. “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” — Socrates

9. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” — Prince Philip

10. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner

11. “Love is a sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.” — Jewish Proverb

12. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” — Albert Einstein

13. “There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.” — Oscar Wilde

14. “All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton

15. “Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.” — Neil Simon

16. “Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce

17. “Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years you need a club and spade.” — Carrie

18. “Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan

19. “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” — Michel de Montaigne

20. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” — Benjamin Franklin

21. “A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” — NOT A BOOK

22. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” — Ann Bancroft

23. “Marriage must incessantly contend with a monster that devours everything: familiarity.” — Honore de Balzac

24. “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” — Michel de Montaigne

25. “Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” — Jean Kerr

26. “To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” — Ogden Nash

27. “I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.” — Steven Wright

28. “Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner

29. “Marriage is when a man loses his bachelor’s degree and woman gets her master’s degree.” — Rama Kochhar

30. “When you have a baby, love is automatic, when you get married, love is earned.” — Marie Osmond

Funny and Sweet Marriage Quotes

Funny and Sweet Marriage Quotes

1. “Marriage – a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose.” — Beverley Nichols

2. “Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.” — G. K. Chesterton

3. “Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” — Stephen Leacock

4. “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” — Erma Bombeck

5. “All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull

6. “Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.” — Richard Pryor

7. “If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson

8. “They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope

9. “Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.” — Eddie Cantor

10. “An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband.” — Booth Tarkington

41. “Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.” — Elbert Hubbard

12. “Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” — Natasha Leggero

13. “I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life” — Anonymous

14. “I married beneath me, all women do.” — Nancy Astor

15. “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.” — Albert Einstein

16. “In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.” — Woody Allen

17. “Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” — Jerry Seinfeld

18. “Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe

19. “Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.” — John Wilmot

20. “Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.” — Yoko Ono

Funny Marriage Quotes

Funny Marriage Quotes

1. “You can’t buy love on eBay.” — Anonymous

2. “Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.” — H.L. Mencken

3. “Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.” — Mickey Rooney

4. “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield

5. “Marry a man your own age; As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” — Phyllis Diller

6. “Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” — Helen Rowland

7. “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.” — Billy Connolly

8. “The only mistake for which people are congratulated is marriage.” — Ratna Deep

9. “More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.” — Doug Larson

10. “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” — Albert Einstein

11. “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” — Erma Bombeck

12. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell

13. “You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.” — Henny Youngman

14. “The brain is the most outstanding organ. It works 24/7, 365 from birth until you fall in love.” — Sophie Monroe

15. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” — Charles M. Schulz

16. “Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.” — Evelyn Hendrickson

17. “True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one.” — La Rochefoucauld

18. “True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.” — Erich Segal

19. “Where love is the case, the doctor is an ass.” — English Proverb

20. “The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” — Rick Reilly

Romantic Marriage Quotes

Romantic Marriage Quotes

1. “Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.” –Khalil Gibran

2. “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” –Mignon McLaughlin

3. “If I had a flower for every time I thought of you… I could walk through my garden forever.” –Alfred Tennyson

4. “When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” –When Harry Met Sally

5. “Marriage is like watching the color of leaves in the fall; ever changing and more stunningly beautiful with each passing day.” –Fawn Weaver

6. “To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow—this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.” –Elizabeth Gilbert

7. “If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” –Miles Davis

8. Marriage Quotes About Commitment

9. “Don’t ever stop dating your wife and don’t ever stop flirting with your husband.” –Unknown

10. “Marriage stands the test of times when both you and your spouse work towards making things better. And we are tested the most when we face adversities. If you can sail through the adversities as one, as a team, then you have won half the battle.” –Unknown

11. “A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.” –Unknown

12. “Marriage, ultimately, is the practice of becoming passionate friends.” –Harville Hendrix

13. “The essence of marriage is companionship, and the woman you face across the coffee urn every morning for ninety-nine years must be both able to appreciate your jokes and to sympathize with your aspirations.” –Elbert Hubbard

14. “What greater thing is there for two human souls, than to feel that they are joined for life–to strength each other in all labor, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in silent unspeakable memories at the moment of the last parting?” –George Eliot

15. “Your absence has not taught me to be alone, it merely has shown that when together we cast a single shadow on the wall.” –Doug Fetherling

16. “Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years.” –Simone Signoret

17. “What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility.” –Leo Tolstoy

18. “A good marriage is one which allows for change and growth in the individuals and in the way they express their love.” –Pearl S. Buck

19. Happy Marriage Quotes

20. “Happy is the man who finds a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife.” –Franz Schubert

21. “A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.” –André Maurois

22. “There is no greater happiness for a man than approaching a door at the end of a day knowing someone on the other side of that door is waiting for the sound of his footsteps.” –Ronald Reagan

23. “Sensual pleasures have the fleeting brilliance of a comet; a happy marriage has the tranquility of a lovely sunset.” –Ann Landers

24. “The secret to a happy marriage is if you can be at peace with someone within four walls, if you are content because the one you love is near to you, either upstairs or downstairs, or in the same room, and you feel that warmth that you don’t find very often, then that is what love is all about.” –Bruce Forsyth

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